I suffer from chronic depression.
I’ve had to battle depression for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid, I was very sad.
My message both on this blog and in my fitness career is about happiness and positivity and feeling good in a life well lived. But sometimes it’s hard. To be honest, I don’t feel exactly happy, or positive, or remotely good right now, and I haven’t for a while now. My intention for this blog is and always will be to be as real as possible. I have zero tolerance for phonies, as Holden Caulfield would say. So here’s my truth:
I’m really struggling with my depression right now.
As you might have noticed, I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog for the past few weeks or really engage on any social platform. Even my Instagram presence has been half-hearted.
And it would be easy to say it’s because I was busy traveling, which is true. Or that I got bogged down with my day job, which is also true. But those would just be glossy excuses barely covering up the uglier reality.
Because the truth is, I’m currently staring into the eyes of my old friend Depression.
It’s really taken me by surprise, actually. It had been so long since I experienced a relapse that I didn’t notice it taking over. And it’s doing a masterful job of pinning me down, keeping me from doing anything beyond what’s absolutely required to get through each day.
It’s honestly heartbreaking to have a dream, a vision, a drive (like I do for this blog) and then be unable to even peel myself off the floor, much less form a single sentence.
For the longest time, it was very painful for anyone to open up about having depression (including myself) because of the social stigma attached to mental illnesses. Thankfully, the landscape is changing, and we’re starting to become more comfortable talking about it — although it’s still pretty hush-hush. I have been writing various drafts of this post for days now, because having depression is so difficult to explain and I still feel a sense of shame about it. Plus, you know, I’m depressed, which means every word is a monumental effort to type.
In general, I prefer to not talk about my struggles with depression much because I don’t want it to define how people view me.
I don’t want to be labeled “The Depressed Girl” (which is how I felt I was perceived growing up). It doesn’t accurately describe who I am. I am not my illness, and in reality there is an incredibly happy person inside of me absolutely desperate to break out of the prison of depression. That happier version of me had been my norm up until the past couple of months, when the depression just got too difficult to fend off with my usual artillery of yoga, meditation, positive thinking, etc.
Life’s been very, very challenging. I thought it was challenging before, but it’s like the universe was waiting to send me to my own personal Secret Bonus Level of Suckitude. Most of it is too personal to share at the moment, but I’m now having to readdress my recurrent depression to ensure I get through these harder times. I can’t let my depression win. And if you or someone you know is or might be experiencing depression, you can’t let it, win, either.
So let’s talk about depression a little bit, ok?
What is depression?
Depression is one of the most common mental illnesses. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, in 2015 around 16.1 million adults aged 18 years or older in the U.S. had experienced at least one major depressive episode in the last year (about 6.7% of all U.S. adults). There’s no one cause of depression — it’s formed from an individually personalized blend of influences including genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors.
Depression presents itself differently in different people, so it’s difficult to define. But I’d say it’s like you’re living in the Upside Down from Stranger Things. Everything is the same, but there’s a filter in your brain that removes the joy out of life. You feel like you’ll never be happy again.
Yes, we all get sad at times, and sometimes life really sucks for a while. So how do you know if your sadness is a normal reaction, or an indication of a more serious condition?
Here’s what to look for:
Signs of depression:
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies or activities
- Decreased energy, fatigue, or being “slowed down”
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Difficulty sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
- Appetite and/or weight changes
- Thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts
- Restlessness or irritability
- Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause and/or that do not ease even with treatment
If these symptoms last for over 2 weeks, you may have depression.
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What is depression like?
My depression has always felt like life becomes just so much harder. Everything is a challenge, from putting on clothes in the morning to eating food to talking to other people. Any pain I’m experiencing in my body is amplified and I have a constant brain fog and usually a headache. My mind is slower to process and gets stuck in extremely limiting thought patterns (essentially an endless loop in my brain saying “I’m sad I’m sad I’m sad”) — but I’m trapped in a maze with no way out, so I completely forget how to think positively. All of this means my health starts to deteriorate, I have trouble sleeping and I get sick easily (I got a cold last week, naturally).
It’s very dark and very lonely.
Everyone’s depression will manifest differently. There are also different types of depression, including Persistent Depressive Disorder (which is what I have — you have depressive periods for longer than 2 years), Seasonal Affective Disorder (depression due to winter’s shorter days), and Postpartum Depression in new mothers.
One thing I want to note: it’s perfectly possible to be a smiling, successful, highly functioning human being while also being depressed, depending on the severity of your condition. I have frequently experienced not being taken seriously for my depression because I am still able to get necessary work done, show up looking put-together, and put on a happy face when interacting with others while in a depressive state because I want to feel happy. I just don’t. Don’t assume you can spot depression easily or that it has to look a certain way. I’ve mastered smiling through it.
How to treat depression:
First of all, if you are struggling with depression, thank you for finding this blog post — please seek whatever help you need, especially if you have any sort of fear that your depression could lead to suicidality. Also, just so you know: you’re fucking awesome and beautiful and loved, even if you don’t feel any of that or want to shoot me the middle finger for saying it. It’s true.
There are as many treatment methods as there are people who suffer from depression. You know me — I don’t love medication. If at all possible, I prefer to go the natural route. However, I’ve also tried medication (and basically all varieties of them for depression and anxiety), so I know it’s not right for my body. They’re not very effective and the side effects have always been unbearable for me. But they may be right for you, so if you’re struggling, definitely consult a physician.
One of the many possible contributing causes of depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Antidepressants relieve depression by affecting certain brain chemicals called neurotransmitters that are associated with depression — particularly serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. Antidepressants can be a very effective way to start your depression treatment to help train your brain to rebalance its chemicals, and some people might do best staying on these kinds of medication long-term. Again, everyone’s different, especially when it comes to depression.
You have to heal your mind.
There are tons of options as well for healing depression that don’t require any drugs, and I know from personal experience that it can be possible to overcome depression naturally.
Here are some of the most common natural depression treatments:
- Meditation
- Exercise » Even though the depression makes you feel like a 5,000 lb sloth and working out is literally the last thing you want to do, it’s usually the best thing you can do to fight that funk. Exercise increases hormones like serotonin and dopamine in the brain and has been proven to have a positive effect on mental health.
- Yoga
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy » A good therapist (be sure to find one that you really vibe with) can coach you through addressing and healing the life circumstances, past events, or negative thought patterns that can cause or worsen your depression.
- Acupuncture
- St. John’s Wort » My doctor recommended this herb to me years ago, and I find it very helpful. Be sure to talk to your doctor before taking it, because it can make birth control pills ineffective!
- Eating healthfully
- Volunteering » It’s been proven that helping others makes you feel good, too. Volunteer work can also offer perspective — it reminds us to be grateful for everything we have when we help those in need.
- Get enough sleep
- Spend time with friends and loved ones
- Fake it till you make it » Your brain functions sort of similarly to a muscle — it can be trained. This is especially true when it comes to your thoughts. You can essentially trick your brain into being happy by pretending you’re happy. Really! This is how I typically fend it off. Did you know that the act of smiling makes your brain start to release chemicals as if you’re actually happy? This is why I choose to smile as much as possible, laugh easily, and dance often. All of these are cues to your brain that life is a-okay. (Psst — want a playlist of the happiest songs ever to dance to? I’ve got you covered.)
- Doing things that genuinely make you happy
- Puppies » This may or may not be proven but tell me I’m wrong.
Like I said, there are countless more, and I’ll be sure to cover as many as I can on this blog, which brings me to my last tip: Find a passion. Find something that lights you up, gets you going, and brings a joy into your life. For me, writing and talking about things like this that have to do with health and healing really does give me the fire I need to keep going.
The most important thing to note if you have depression: it IS possible for you to be happy.
I’ve been able to push through my depression many times before, and I know I will do it again. I may have to battle it my entire life, but I’m not scared. I’m a depression-fighting pro at this point.
It’s certainly not easy. Most days I fail to defend myself from its attack more than I succeed. Trust me when I say I know what it is to be absolutely hopeless.
But I’ve got good news for you — you don’t need hope. Getting better is not a matter of if, but when. You just need faith.
By faith, I mean simply trust that this WILL get better. Hold on tight and don’t give up, because this isn’t forever. The one thing that’s a sure thing in our lives is that time doesn’t stop, and time heals. Try anything and everything you can to not give in to your depression, and keep going because it will eventually slink away, leaving you to live your happiest damn life ever.
We’ll get through this.