Divorce can be like experiencing a death.
It hurts long after people stop asking you about it. The loss of any relationship, or not, is a sort of death, so the grieving process can be similar. The five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—the length of the stages varies for everyone. But recovering from a divorce takes time.
Of course, everyone has different experiences, and some people do get divorced with quick relief. I’m talking more about long-term, intimate relationships that are painful when they end. Ones you build your life around before they crumble around you.
A death was/is very much how divorce has all felt to me, even though I was the one who ended my marriage. It’s been exactly a year now that I left everything I knew behind and moved to San Diego to be on my own, and I wanted to write about this phase, the awkward, not-quite-healed phase of separation that doesn’t often get discussed so those of you going through it too know you aren’t alone.
The actual ending of the relationship is more interesting to talk about. It’s more dramatic, a better story than the one about you feeling like a ghost as you walk through the supermarket by yourself three months later trying to figure out what to cook for just you. The long path you have to walk to heal after a relationship ends is often ignored, but just as important.
Because the ending really is just the beginning.
You have to restart almost your entire life.
The challenge is to accept this. It’s a LOT of change, all at once, when a relationship ends, especially a marriage. Your entire life gets uprooted. At the very least divorce means at least one person’s finding a new home, not to mention restructuring your entire day, suddenly breaking all your habits and rituals.
My friends, that is a lot.
Can we just take a moment to acknowledge that you are SO FUCKING STRONG for going through this, if you have? You’re still here and breathing and reading these words even though you had your heart ripped out of your chest? I try to remind myself of this all the time. This is pain, and trauma, and we don’t quit.
We’re like a bee that somehow manages to escape death by pulling herself out of a pool of water with her tiny bee legs, who then stands shivering in the wind for an hour drying off her soaking, exhausted body, until, all at once, she spreads her wings and resumes her flight. We just have to wait for that moment, trusting that we will feel like a stronger, renewed version of ourselves in time, if we just keep going.
Self-love, forgiveness, and patience are critical to get through a divorce.
These are the ultimate power tools to heal from a long-term relationship and get through the pain like a champ. There is so much opportunity when a relationship ends to rediscover yourself and your strength.
Self-love.
I’ve dedicated this new time of being single to falling in love with myself, to pretend like I’m in a relationship with ME and just me alone, wanting or expecting nothing from anyone. That’s a place of true freedom.
It’s not an easy path. Most of us use relationships to hide from ourselves, to focus on someone else rather than our own problems or fears, sometimes for years at length. I know I did. So I’m truly grateful for this time, and I’m having the best time rediscovering myself. Choose to use this time to grow for the better.
A key aspect to self-love is being kind to yourself.
Talk to yourself the way you would your child (or for me, my dogs, tbh).
Part of being kind to yourself is to know that it’s okay to not feel okay. You likely often won’t, especially at first.
You’ll have some days that are what I like to call “No” Days.
Those are days where you just can’t shake off the cloud, where you feel like shit no matter how hard you try to cheer yourself up. I used to beat myself up for not being able to put myself in a positive mindset. This is where self-help can become tricky territory; it should never be used to shame ourselves.
It’s OKAY. I’m giving you permission, right here. It’s okay to be in a terrible mood, it’s okay to sob into your pillow, it’s okay to take long bathroom breaks just to get away from the world for a minute. You just went through one of life’s big traumas.
Let the wave of grief flow in, and know that if you just hold on, it will go back away again.
What’s important is to not get completely pulled down by the negativity, because it can quickly form into emotional quicksand. Make sure to take action to love yourself by doing things you enjoy, surrounding yourself with friends/family who support you, and seek professional help if you need it.
Love yourself to fight for your own happiness through this time… and always.
Forgiveness.
I did so much in my marriage that I regret. In the end, especially, I said and did many things that wounded my husband. I curled into the hurting part of myself and hurt him in turn. Pain can do this to us—it hides us from our true selves, morphs us into our dark sides. In ending things I was ultimately setting us both free to finally be happier.
But we can’t become happy until we forgive ourselves.
We all make mistakes in our relationships. Their role in our lives is to serve as our mirror. In every one of our partners, we discover ourselves: our most beautiful and ugly sides. So the first step in finding self-forgiveness is to find gratitude for how your relationship helped you grow, through the good and the bad. All of it had a purpose, and all of it will elevate you to a better version of yourself if you learn from it and grow.
The easiest way to forgive yourself is to make the commitment to yourself to learn from the experience and not repeat your mistakes, and allow for time for that self-trust to rebuild. All you can ask of yourself is to move forward with the best intentions and most loving heart possible.
I firmly believe that at all times, we’re all just doing our best, even when our best isn’t… great.
Don’t continue to cause yourself pain for something in the past. Let it go.
Patience.
Everything gets better in time.
This is a cliché because IT’S TRUE. Like any grief, getting over a divorce primarily takes time. Time is your best friend here—every day is a little easier than the day before. You just have to stay holding on.
And one year later, you’ll find you’re doing okay.
Embrace the fresh start the divorce brings.
You have the power to control whether the end of your long-term relationship brings you power or ruins you. I highly encourage the former.
Go all Elle Woods on the world and let that self-love shine. I recommend following the Marie Kondo method (obsessed) of getting rid of anything that no longer brings you joy: that will be a lot of things. Material things like your wedding dress (obviously), but also other parts of your life, like your career, friendships, time commitments… This is a great time to do a self-evaluation and make sure you’re on the right track to attract in joy in all areas for yourself moving forward. Discover new hobbies, start a new career, cut your hair—whatever you want to do, do it.
Explore this time and think of it like dating yourself! Don’t let not having a partner hold you back: let it set you free. You don’t need anyone to feel whole. You’re complete on your own if you show yourself love.
Be proactive in protecting your emotional energies and your right to be happy. Take action to fight off the loneliness and give yourself permission to chase JOY again.
The past can trap you if you let it—so don’t.
Memories of your past relationship will be triggered by all sorts of things for a while: the smell of a candle, driving down a certain street, a song on the radio. This is just part of the healing process—the memories will come up, and we have to remind ourselves to stay in the present.
Now, there is some good in revisiting the past if there are lessons to be learned or specific ways you need to a heal (a therapist is ideal for this), but otherwise, dwelling on the past usually doesn’t do much more than cause us further pain.
I struggle with this one. My brain loves to live in the past if I let my thoughts wander without supervision.
Today I was taking a class at Elevate Training in San Diego, where I teach, and a girl’s phone lit up with a notification. Her background image was her wedding. And it put a lump in my throat. Little reminders constantly appear of the life I had before—but it doesn’t do any good to compare it to my life now, because I can’t go back.
We can’t control moments like that from happening, but where our mind goes next is important. We can either start thinking back to what happened, where it went wrong, how we could have acted differently… but nothing can change what is. Accepting that, and staying firmly rooted in NOW will help you avoid sinking into the pain of the past. You’ve already suffered enough. Memories will torture you if you let them, so Marie Kondo those thoughts, as well, and don’t invest your energy in them.
Mornings are the hardest.
My friend Samantha described it really well: she said that after her long-term relationship ended, every morning she’d wake up and feel sick when her memory caught up to her brain and she remembered that she was alone. That’s what happened to me, too. There’s this short period when you first wake up where you have to remember who you are, and the pain of your current reality catches up to you and goes straight to your gut.
For about the first sixth months following my separation, I threw up every morning. Usually as soon as I woke up. And I often teach in the mornings, so there were many times where I threw up right before having to walk out and teach a class.
Sleep can bring up a lot of memories, and it’s hard to adjust to sleeping alone. This is a time where we’re also finally able to stop and be alone with our thoughts, so the night can be just as challenging as the morning, emotionally. Plan for extra self-love surrounding sleep. Make your bedroom a sacred space that reflects back everything you love. Diffuse some lavender essential oil. I’d even block off 10 hours of sleep time, if you can, to allow for those mornings where it takes a little longer to get up and get moving.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
A big challenge for me is that before, my husband was my full support system. He was the person I turned to whenever I was in pain. And in ending my marriage, I lost that. That sounds kind of bleak, and honestly it has been, at times, an incredibly dark year for me.
This is why building a support system for yourself is critical. I have relied a LOT on other people through my divorce in ways that made me so uncomfortable at first, because I hate asking for help. I lived with my dear friend Sam for a couple months while I got on my feet when I first moved back to San Diego. My friend Dani and her husband have helped me walk my dogs more times than I can count. An incredibly kind woman who randomly responded to my Facebook post about having no belongings donated an entire set of kitchenware to me. My mom helped me cover financial hits.
Being forced to ask for help made me open myself up to all that love. I was blocked off to it before, but you’ll find that if you ask for help, others are more than happy to be there. After all, it brings us joy to help someone in need, so it’s really a win-win. I now have a much bigger and stronger support system than I did before the separation, and I’m so grateful for that.
It’s easy to sink into loneliness, so find friends and stay active in your community.
If you need help, there are people who will be there for you. You may be on your own, but you are not alone.
I’m not completely healed from my relationship. It will be a while before I start dating. But I am firmly rooted in myself and my new life that I’ve built for myself. And I really am my happiest. Even on the days where I’m lonely, I know I’m on the right path because I’m honoring myself.
Divorce can be the best thing that will ever happen to you, if you let it.