Have you been feeling lonely lately? You’re not alone—and I mean that in every sense.
In 2020 we’re experiencing not just the coronavirus pandemic, but also a pandemic of feeling lonely. I know I certainly have.
I spent all of March-July at home in my studio apartment, by myself. And I didn’t even have my dogs—they’re currently living with my ex in WA, since we split custody. I got to visit them last month (see if you can spot them in each photo here!) and it made my heart so much fuller, but now I’m back to quarantining at home in LA and fighting that loneliness on the daily. It’s a constant challenge, so I understand what it means that you’re feeling lonely, too.
In a way, we’ve been building up to this point, as a society. Our technology has been drawing us further and further away from each other as we retreat into virtual worlds. I think we’ve all been guilty of staring at our phones instead of talking to the people around us.
I used to self isolate a lot. Sometimes I still do—I can get really focused in a working/creating mode and not devote enough time in my schedule to cultivating my friendships. I spend a lot of time with just my two dogs, and have had to train myself to find the connection I always longed for.
I want you to know this loneliness is a feeling, and it’s temporary. You CAN feel the love you’re wanting.
Even though my brain still tries to set its default mode back into loneliness all the time, I follow the steps I’ve outlined here and take action to overcome it. It can be done!
Nothing is wrong with you, especially if you’re feeling lonely. Know that your thoughts may be saying that, but that doesn’t mean they’re right. And they’ll argue with me on this, too. But trust me—you are worthy and you are lovable and you are not alone.
It all really begins by cultivating a relationship with YOURSELF. If you love and support yourself with your thoughts, you will find it easier to spend time by yourself. We can be our own worst enemies, which is why we need to turn to self-love. Seeking a therapist can really help you through that process, and you’ll find it easier to reach out to others once you’re in a good place with you.
I love you and empathize so much with the pain you experience when you’re feeling lonely. But I also want you to know that you CAN create the supportive relationships you want in your life. The fact that you’re here and reading this is proof that you’re ready to manifest that for yourself.
Follow these 7 steps if you’re ready to stop feeling lonely:
1. Schedule a date to see a friend.
The first step is to take action. That helps stop the ongoing mindset cycle inside your head that whispers “I’m alone,” “I’m so lonely,” “I have no one.” Taking action tells those thoughts no—I create the life I want.
You’ll definitely feel less lonely after connecting with a friend! Texts and phone calls can help you feel immediately better—but try to find time to see someone IRL, too, since it makes a big difference to be in the same space as someone.
Friendships require your energy and attention. They do take work. Just like being a parent. I mean, even as a dog parent I have to put in a lot of energy and time into my relationship with them. You have to train your dog, and feed them, and take them for walks, and give them love and support. Why would it be any different for friendships?
But I think a lot of us approach it the same way people do with relationships: we just… wait… like Prince Charming or Best Friend Cinderella are going to come sweep us up off our feet. Just as that rarely happens with romantic relationships, stumbling into a friendship isn’t likely. You have to seek them out.
This is maybe the step I struggle with the most, and why this is step numero uno. It can feel really vulnerable and scary to put yourself out there to try to make a friend, especially if you’re starting from ground zero, like if you’ve just moved to a new city. But YOU CAN DO IT! Really! And it gets easier with practice.
You have to be willing to make the first move, and that does mean potentially getting turned down. And you may go on some lousy friend dates, or make some friendships that end after a while. That’s ok. Accept and try to embrace all of that as part of the process. Never take anything personally—you’re going to have to go around and talk to a bunch of different people until you find the right path.
I feel like lately we’re all becoming guilty of getting lazy with our friendships. Months go by between seeing each other because we’re all so busy and life gets in the way. And that’s valid, but it doesn’t help our loneliness problem.
Humans are biologically programmed to need human interaction and community. Harvard has shown that having strong relationships helps us live longer. We need each other. So tell your friends you love them, and set up a time to see them soon!
2. Join a community or group.
Not sure where to find a new friend? The easiest way to meet new people is to go where the people are!
Ask yourself what your hobbies and interests are. What are you passionate about?
There are so many options out there! Could you register for an adult soccer league? Are you passionate about baking and could sign up for a weekly class? Do you want to join an activist group to fight climate change? Is there a local church that fits your beliefs? Would it help to join a support group?
I’ve found that as an adult I make new friends the easiest through fitness classes (it helps that I’m the teacher lol! but also going to other classes around town). Check out MeetUp, or search for Facebook Groups in your area to find even more options to meet people who like the same things as you!
It’s also helpful to remember that pretty much everyone wants to make more friends, but most people are shy or feel insecure just like you. Don’t be afraid to say hi and ask someone to grab a quick coffee after class, and see where it goes.
3. Get some movement, ideally out into nature.
This is what you do when you’re feeling lonely in the moment. Loneliness is an intense emotion and can feel like a really heavy weight in your body, a lethargy, a feeling of being bound or stuck.
Because that emotion lives in your body, along with your mind, you’ll find it a lot easier to work through if you get moving. And this can mean any form of movement—I’m talking yoga, going for a walk, doing a dance class, kickboxing, anything! Move as little or as much as you want, for as little or as long as you can (at least 20 min is ideal but do what you can). Anything will help!
When you move your body, a few things start to happen:
- You get happier: a study from the University of Vermont found that just 20 minutes of exercise can boost your mood for 12 hours.
- You feel more focused and have better mental clarity.
- Your muscles warm and loosen, helping you feel less tense.
- You feel more energized: according to a study from the University of Georgia, the blood flow benefits from exercise help carry oxygen and nutrients to muscles, which helps them produce more energy.
- You’ll sleep better.
- You reduce your stress and anxiety: Harvard Medical School has shown that aerobic exercise helps curb stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline (as long as you’re not overdoing it), while also flooding your system with feel-good endorphins. It also ups the calming, good-mood brain chemicals serotonin and dopamine.
- And you improve your immunity and overall wellness!
All of this helps your brain adjust to feeling better, meaning you won’t feel as sad and affected by being alone right now.
And if you can get moving out in nature, even better! You’ll soak up even more happiness-boosting benefits. Research has shown that being outside has its own awesome mood-lifting benefits.
4. Find an animal companion.
I mean, I had to put this one in. It’s a BIG ONE. If you know, you know.
Having a pet can really help you feel loved, purposeful, and less lonely.
But your relationship with your animal is also very much dependent on the energy you put in to it! We all know there are plenty of people who ignore their pets.
Getting Corgi (the corgi, yes that’s his name ha) in 2012 was a huge catalyst for a lot in my life to change. I’d had dogs growing up, but my family kept them only outside, and we barely spent any time with them. Looking back, it breaks my heart. But I was so in love with this puppy that I wanted to give him the best life possible. It’s actually even part of what made me become vegan. I’ve spent so much time training my dogs in things like Agility racing, and learning new tricks, and taking them to new hikes, and in turn we are so, so close. I can give Corgi commands just by giving him hand signals, and sometimes just a look.
If you have the time and the love to give, having animal friends is a major way to feel less lonely. It can depend on the type of animal, and obviously I’m biased towards dogs as the best companions. Although, I’ve kept a pet spider before (a Black Widow named Gretchen, RIP), so honestly whatever pet lights you up will work! Bunnies, cats, turtles—you can bond with pretty much any animal.
5. Journal.
Journaling is a great way to practice self-love when you’re feeling lonely in the moment. It helps you feel more connected to yourself, and thus less alone.
Try free-form journaling: that means you write anything and everything that’s on your mind. It doesn’t have to make any sense, or be in complete sentences, or even in neat, orderly rows in your notebook. Just write. Put words onto the paper about how you’re authentically feeling right now.
Get it all out, and don’t hold back. You can throw away the paper when you’re done.
If you read through it again, focus on sending yourself tons of love and compassion, as if you’re the friend you’ve just written a letter to. Writing out your thoughts will help you feel a lot better and process what you’re going through.
A gratitude journal is also a great way to start to train your brain to feel better! This is when you write down a list of things that you have to be thankful for. It helps your mind become more focused on positivity and keep looking for opportunities (helpful when trying to find friends). And, of course, I always recommend starting a meditation and/or yoga practice to dive deeper into improved mental health. These mindfulness practices can help reprogram your thoughts over time to be more self-loving and helpful.
6. Avoid social media.
Sure, social media can be a helpful way to find and meet new people—but it can also very easily be a One Way ticket to Loneliness Central.
It might be helpful to think of social media as like using a sugar substitute (like Equal or Splenda). You get the feeling of having had sugar without actually having sugar—and this ultimately triggers a response in your body to long for the real thing. You’ll leave most social media interactions (or any purely digital relationships) feeling a little bit unsatisfied, empty—it’s just not quite the same thing. Have you felt that before?
Social media is dopamine-provoking and not necessarily designed to help you feel good! The Social Dilemma is a fantastic documentary to watch about this.
Social media fine, but only if your online relationships do extend into real-life friendship and support. Scrolling mindlessly down your feed, however, is likely to make you feel even more isolated and alone thanks to its FOMO-triggering effects. I find it’s usually better to avoid, especially on days you’re feeling lonely.
7. Find a way to be of service.
The last way to kick loneliness to the curb is to give to others. This has multiple benefits: you’ll connect to the people you are helping, you’ll distract your brain from negative thinking, and you’ll feel so much better, too!
When you do something to help someone else, you’re creating connection and love, which our world desperately needs more of! Plus this is another form of taking real ACTION to combat loneliness. It can help a lot to feel like you have a purpose, a role to play in the world. It gives you something to do.
Plus, being of service means you’ll feel a greater sense of community. This can take many different forms! I ran a program at Ronald McDonald House in high school and loved it. You could volunteer at an animal shelter (win/win with #4), or join a beach cleanup meetup (see #2) if you want to help the environment and meet new people.
When you give back, you get what what researchers call a “helpers high,” a kind of euphoria and good feeling in your body from helping (like a runner’s high). Your brain produces endorphins, which make you happier! Half of participants in one study reported that they felt stronger and more energetic after helping others; many also reported feeling calmer and less depressed, with increased feelings of self-worth.
I want to note that you are also being of service when you create, when you build something. Because everyone benefits from whatever it is you’ve created! We all win when you share your latest recipe, when you write a new song, when you open your business. Giving back doesn’t necessarily mean volunteering.
The world benefits when you shine.
As my yoga guru Elka once told me: You may feel lonely—but you are never alone.
I know it may feel hard, but I want you to do one thing on this list, right now. Pick one, sign off, and go! Because every action you take to fight that feeling of loneliness helps it dissipate. Every step gets you closer to the connection we all need.
Build a stronger relationship with someone already in your life, or start finding new people to connect with. Don’t let fear hold you back.
We are waiting for you, and we love you. You are not alone.
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Have you been feeling lonely lately? Don’t suffer in silence out there—let’s connect in the Disqus Comments section below. You are not alone.
xo,
Amy
Photos by Matthew Hanley, edits by me