I struggle a lot with comparison.
You, too? Cool, let’s talk about it. Because, frankly, quitting the comparison game isn’t easy. This is definitely an area I’m still working on in my own life. Plus, social media has taken the stress of comparison up a notch, as we all know full well by now. It’s hard to feel like you’re doing well when you’re constantly being shown a crafted story about how great everyone’s lives are.
(This is yet another reason you should take more breaks away from your phone, btw)
You know the game. It’s a shitty one, but most of us love to play it. It goes a little like this: You take your life and hold it up next to someone else’s and then you decide, based off of fragmented information and a whole slew of biases and false assumptions, which one of you wins.
No matter which way you play it, the comparison game is toxic. Either you win, which means you feel you’re superior and you’re judging others as somehow inferior to you — or you lose, which means you feel you’re inferior and you’re judging others as superior to you.
Do you see how both scenarios suck?
The problem with comparison is that at its core, it implies that we humans can be ranked.
Let me clear: WE CANNOT.
No human is of greater or lesser value than the next. We are all equal.
I mean, it’s horrifying that this is actually still something up for debate (see: the current state of American politics). But truly, no soul is worth more than the next.
Unfortunately, we do live in a culture that seems obsessed with ranking ourselves. We put value on numbers of followers, SAT scores, view counts, or salaries. We’re always in competition with each other. Yes, some people do have more than others. I’m just saying that our inherent worth can’t be based off of those things.
We’re living under the dangerous pretense that our value can be measured.
Did you know that this is actually becoming a literal thing? Currently, the Chinese government is planning to launch a Social Credit System in 2020, where citizens will be able to give each other ratings. I’m serious. This article from Wired explains it well:
Imagine a world where many of your daily activities were constantly monitored and evaluated: what you buy at the shops and online; where you are at any given time; who your friends are and how you interact with them; how many hours you spend watching content or playing video games; and what bills and taxes you pay (or not). It’s not hard to picture, because most of that already happens, thanks to all those data-collecting behemoths like Google, Facebook and Instagram or health-tracking apps such as Fitbit. But now imagine a system where all these behaviours are rated as either positive or negative and distilled into a single number, according to rules set by the government. That would create your Citizen Score and it would tell everyone whether or not you were trustworthy. Plus, your rating would be publicly ranked against that of the entire population and used to determine your eligibility for a mortgage or a job, where your children can go to school – or even just your chances of getting a date.
Yeah, so that’s a problem.
Can you imagine how paralyzed everyone will be from fear of being literally constantly judged? It’s actually my WORST NIGHTMARE.
But let’s switch gears a little, away from the larger cultural/political problems with comparison, and get a little more personal.
Growing up, I played the comparison game all day long.
I struggled a lot with confidence in general. I had no self-esteem. So I was constantly analyzing others and myself, and I always found myself lacking. Every other girl was prettier than me, more popular than me, better dressed than me, etc. It was, as you can imagine, an exhausting way to live.
And it’s one I’m sure many of you are familiar with.
Like I mentioned above, we humans love competition. In a way, it’s a primal instinct to want to rank above each other. Animals assert dominance. Humans do, too. But as the evolved species capable of consciousness, it’s our responsibility to wake up to the higher truth that we’re all equal.
That’s why important to stop comparing ourselves to others. It contributes to a false belief of separation, the idea of a THEM vs ME, rather than US.
So all that (hopefully) makes sense… but then why is it so fucking hard to stop comparing?
I mean, really, I can talk about it theoretically all day long and explain why it’s a major societal problem, but I still do it all the time. There are many days where I’m feeling down on myself — then I look at someone else and covet what they have. I’ll feel envy about money, looks, relationships, life happiness… I mean seriously, I’ve probably touched on every category at some point.
And it makes you feel horrible. And not just when you feel inferior — I personally think that judging yourself as better than others makes you feel pretty horrible, too. At least, it does for me. It provides a temporary reassurance, but it doesn’t actually soothe the hurt that prompted my envy in the first place.
When you compare, it’s really not about the other person. It’s about you and your own insecurities.
That’s true whether you think you’re the superior or inferior one. Either way, you’re trying to seek either comfort for your pain (reassuring yourself you’re great) or you’re trying to wallow in it.
It’s not effective, and it’s not healthy.
The good news? It’s a game you don’t have to play.
We fall into the unconscious habit of comparing ourselves all the time. But it’s just that: a habit. And habits you can break.
(I highly recommend you break this one.)
The comparison game is just a game your mind really enjoys playing. It’s a comfortable thought process, a familiar rhythm, and it’s… super lazy.
Yeah, sorry! I’m not saying you’re lazy, but the game sure is. And like I said — I’m guilty as charged. I think we all are?
The key is to become aware that it’s something you do, then recognize when it’s happening, stop yourself, and choose to change your thought to something more positive + constructive. Then you have to commit to it.
It takes practice. This is not going to produce some magical overnight transformation. And, honestly, it’ll be really irritating at first, and you’ll feel kind of silly, and then you’ll get frustrated because it won’t really work. Just notice all of that as it happens, be kind to yourself, do your best, and then try to move on and enjoy your life. If you keep doing that same practice of catching yourself in the act over and over, you’ll eventually form a new habit: NOT comparing!
It’s a lot easier to try to find your value in a tangible number/title/insert your choice of material ranking here instead of doing the dirty work to know that your value has to come from yourself, and yourself alone.
Let me repeat that:
Your value has to come from yourself, and yourself alone.
I dinstinctly remember the feeling. I was in Palm Springs with my then-fiancé (now husband), lounging by the pool, drinks in hand, on a picture-perfect vacation. And I couldn’t stop glaring at this bitch from behind my sunglasses. My stomach twisted.
She was what you’d expect: a really, really beautiful woman who looked INSANE in her bikini.
Naturally, I hated her.
I was in my younger 20s, and my confidence was, unfortunately, still nonexistent. I was miserable in my career path in television, out of shape from working 12 hour days sitting at a desk, sick with allergies to gluten and lactose that I hadn’t yet discovered… just a fucking sad mess. And I projected that sadness alllll over her.
If that had happened now, I would probably still notice her — but instead of feeling worse about myself because of her, I would try to appreciate the beauty in her. It’s easier said than done, people. But it’s also so easily done, once you let go of that pain.
Once you decide to be happy and not feel better or worse about yourself based on other people you encounter, you find freedom.
It feels SO much better to celebrate others rather than tear them (and yourself) down.
When you think about it, it’s funny that we’re all self-absorbed enough to even assume that we have enough information to compare ourselves to others in the first place.
You probably know VERY little about the person you compare yourself to the most! I mean really. Even that Instagram celebrity you follow so closely who’s perfect in every way? You don’t know anything about her past, her private pains, or, perhaps most importantly, what will happen to her in the future. The rich girl in your class who’s always at a music festival? Again, you don’t know what she chooses not to share.
This is something my mom used to tell me all the time when I’d come home from school crying because so-and-so was better than me at something, or because I wanted what she had. You never know someone else’s full story. And you don’t know what will happen to them in the future. You might be at a low point in your life right now, and they might be at a high point. But in five years, that could flip. You never know.
The best advice for quitting the comparison game? Stay in your own lane.
I first really heard this from one of my favorite bloggers, Lauryn Evarts of The Skinny Confidential. And it’s become a sort of mantra for me. Whenever I feel jealous, or worry that I’m not measuring up to my peers, I remind myself: Stay in your own lane.
Everyone’s paths are different. That’s why comparing is so ridiculous. It builds barriers between us and others, it pits us against each other, and it’s based on false judgments. We’re all on totally unique journeys. Our lives are completely different. Comparison really isn’t even possible.
If you find yourself wanting what others have, it’s a sign that you need to start working towards that goal. Use others as inspiration, not as a measuring stick. In the Life Olympics, everyone’s playing their own unique sport. No two are the same. And that means you have no one to compete with but yourself.
Choose to be the best YOU you can be, and you’ll always come out a winner.