Let’s talk about ghosting.
It’s actually very (unfortunately) common. Chances are good you’ve been “ghosted” on, or have ghosted someone else (or both, like me… yeah, we’ll get there). Ghosting is a modern term that’s used to describe avoidance—usually in the context of dating, but it can happen in any relationship.
When someone “ghosts” you, they disappear from your life by ending all communication with you suddenly and without warning.
Poof. Gone. They’ll suddenly stop talking to you — if you reach out to them, you won’t get any reply. The unspoken message is that this person no longer wants to have any type of relationship with you, but because ghosting happens without any explanation, it usually takes a while before the other person realizes that they’re being avoided. This leaves the person on the receiving end trapped in a mindfuck of questions and self doubt, a constant stream of “why?” and “what did I do?”s on repeat in your brain. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure the other person’s thoughts and intentions, replaying past events to try to find clues (and with ghosting there are usually NO clues as to what happened).
It’s brutal …and it can have major psychological ramifications.
To be completely honest, I used to ghost on people. I have depression and anxiety, and when I was younger I didn’t know how to manage them. I often didn’t have the energy to interact with people, especially when I knew it’d be uncomfortable. I’m an incredible peaceful person, but it turned into a bit of passivity. So instead of speaking honestly and confidently, I isolated myself and avoided the other person. When I didn’t know how to properly state my boundaries and decline someone’s invitation to hang out or tell a guy that I didn’t want to go out with him, I’d just… ghost.
I was suffering. It’s not an excuse, but it does explain my behaviors. Once I finally started being honestly, authentically, 100% purely ME, I stopped the whole cruel ghosting schtick.
I’m obviously NOT proud of this, but I felt I should share my experience to give some deeper context to this conversation. Ghosting isn’t necessarily a malicious act, though it can really feel that way when you’re the one being ghosted on. It’s often more of an act of weakness on the ghoster’s part. I genuinely didn’t want to have to hurt these people by disappointing them. But, ironically, I probably hurt them more by avoiding them than I would have if I’d just told the truth.
Granted, I’m sure there are plennnnty of times when ghosting IS a 100% pure dick move. This is a great article from Women’s Health magazine that explains a lot of reasons men, for example, might be inclined towards ghosting in the dating world.
But whatever the reason, ghosting is a result of THAT person’s issues. It’s not about the victim that gets ghosted on.
Ghosting victims often turn the situation into fuel for self-torture. Since they can’t find a reason for why the other person ghosted, they assume it means something’s wrong with THEM. In dating, they feel unattractive. In friendships and other platonic relationships, they feel unlovable. It’s super important to know that you do deserve more respect than the other person is showing you.
Of course, avoiding someone may be acceptable behavior when someone is totally toxic or dangerous. Of course, protect yourself and your heart. For the sake of this post, I’m defining ghosting as something that occurs out of left field, for no clearly apparent reason. One day, the person is smiling and talking to you, and the next day they’re avoiding your calls.
I recently experienced ghosting from the other side in a major way.
The whole experience really shook me. I had been really close to this girl. I adored her, and considered her a good friend. Then last year I forgot something special of mine at her place, and she sent me a text to let me know she’d mail it to me right away. I responded and happily thanked her. Things were all good.
But then… I never got it back. And worse?
I never heard from her again.
Over the course of a year, I’d send her a text every few months just to check in and say hi. Nothing. At first I didn’t even care that she hadn’t mailed me. But as time went on and she avoided me further, I got more and more confused. I couldn’t figure out what happened, what I’d done wrong. I felt stupid and hurt. The worst part was that I was left hanging, chasing my own tail in a twisted psychological game with no way to win. I never got the explanation I needed.
The reason ghosting hurts so much is that it makes you question reality.
Ghosting is psychological abuse. I know that sounds extreme, but seriously — once you’ve been ghosted on by someone you love, you know it hurts that much.
That’s why I wanted to talk about it—ghosting can really mess up the victim’s mind and rattle their self-confidence and worth.
Ghosting has become WAY more common because it’s just so easy to do online or via text, where we do most of our communicating. I’m pretty sure everyone who’s tried online dating has been ghosted on.
In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, “25 percent of participants claimed that they had been ghosted by a previous partner, and about 20 percent indicated that they had ghosted someone else.” The numbers are worse for friendships: “31.7 percent had ghosted a friend, and 38.6 percent had been ghosted by a friend.”
How should we react when ghosting strips away our power?
Well, obviously, you won’t be able to find closure in your relationship with the person who’s ghosted you, and you’ll have to make your peace with it. I know. I’m so sorry. (It really is their loss.)
Rule #1: Don’t take it personally.
Like I mentioned above, the person left hanging will often beat themselves up trying to figure out what they did wrong in the relationship to warrant a ghosting response. I couldn’t figure out if I’d somehow offended my friend. Did I say something wrong or offesive? You can drive yourself crazy with the not knowing.
But you’d know if you did something wrong. Seriously. You deserve an explanation and to be treated with respect, and you got neither. But that’s because the other person clearly has some shit of their own to deal with. You’re better off not getting bogged down by it. It’s NOT because you’re so repulsive the other person barricaded you from their life. It just means they have intimacy issues, or communication issues, or psychological issues. All things you’re better off without anyway.
Again, remember — I’m speaking from experience here as a former ghost-er. Which brings me to:
Rule: #2: Try to cultivate an attitude of understanding towards the dickhead person who ghosted you.
It might take some time to get to that place of healing and understanding. First, you have to grieve the relationship, or what you hoped for the relationship. But to help yourself move on and make sense of what happened, remember that the other person is just a broken little asshole. They’re hurting or scared or anxious or weak or mean or self-absorbed or non-empathetic. You don’t have to agree with or even forgive what they did. Just know it’s their issue, and that they may have even felt like they were doing the kindest thing possible at that time.
Rule #3: Learn from the experience.
Let the whole ghosting experience teach you to treat others how you wish you had been treated in this situation. It’s easy: don’t be a ghoster. Do your best to communicate honestly and openly, but kindly. Know that people typically deserve to know when a relationship is ending (unless, of course, it’s an abusive one, then just get out).
Rule #4: Move on.
Don’t dwell on it. You’ll probably never know what was really going on with that other person, just like I will never know what happened with my friend—I need to get over it. So. Moving on then.
Let the people who ghosted you carve out space for the RIGHT people to come into your heart and life instead.