How To Live With Authenticity
Let’s make authenticity our goal for 2019.
I don’t really like to do new year’s resolutions, but if there’s one social media trend I can get behind, it’s the slow but rising push towards greater authenticity. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’m kind of over the flawless image everyone tries to project online. And I definitely get the sense that as a society, we’re all heading in that (positive) direction. I think 2018 was a year where we needed to wake up to how disconnected we’ve become, in spite of the fact that it’s now technically easier to be more connected with each other than other. And it showed us how necessary it is for us to strengthen our bonds to fight for the light.
2019 is our year to turn it around. Why not, right? It’s now or never. And the world needs it to be now.
If we need to have a discussion about authenticity, it means the current majority is — you guessed it — inauthentic.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise. I’ve personally been struggling to determine how to engage with social media when it feels like a fake competition you can’t and don’t want to win. I was just laid up for two weeks for a minor surgery (a turbinate reduction so I can breathe better! I already feel a difference!), and it was like all I could think about was this issue of authenticity. It’s become, in primarily a good way, kind of trendy to throw that term around without it having to actually mean anything. With a lot of phonies out there in the welness/fitness/self-help arenas, I question how to stay true to myself and my values and my message in the midst of all that.
What’s helped me a lot is having a weekly Social Media Detox (I choose Sunday)—one day a week where I don’t log onto social media at all and instead focus on connecting with myself and others IRL. I do believe there’s power for true connection within these social platforms, and don’t get me wrong—I love Instagram. But I think everyone would feel a lot of relief if we’d start to be more real with how we present ourselves.
Fundamentally, we’re all just living in this rat race of a world trying to do our best, right? It’s honestly exhausting to fight for your happiness when you’re constantly presented with the suggestion that other people are much, much happier/richer/more beautiful!/more successful!/have perfect children/perfect dogs!/are always on vacation(?!)/etc. online and, sometimes, even in real life.
» So blogger real talk! This is not me on a normal workday! Like dear god, I don’t have time for/am not about that level of high-maintenance. If you know me, you know this. But when I go out or take photos I obviously want to look my best. I try to show the sweaty no-makeup frizzy-hair me on Instagram stories as a way to try my best to stay authentic. «
I’m a real person who makes mistakes while doing my best to try and live a purposeful and joyful life, despite all the hard shit that happens.
You, too? I thought so.
I love to be inspired by people who are at the top of their game, but true heroes aren’t flawless. Even Superman has a weakness—so why as a culture have we made it so shameful to be less than “perfect”? We’re all awesome Superhumans with incredible strengths—and real vulnerabilities, too. So why try to hide the struggle?
If you want a definition of authenticity, here you go, straight from Merriam-Webster:
Authenticity is being true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.
I would like to add this to the definition:
…and staying committed to that true self when interacting with the world, in person and online.
So how we do we become more authentic? Okay, well, in order to be true to oneself, you have to know who you are. So let’s focus on that first.
Step one: know thyself.
I firmly believe that in order to know yourself, you first have to go through the fire.
And, sorry to break it to ya, but the fire’s unavoidable. There’s a reason life is hard. All those daily obstacles are what change you, for better or worse.
It’s all about how you choose to respond to the shit life throws at you. This is where you’ll first begin to develop authenticity: your lowest moments are where you form and refine your values, your beliefs, your way of thinking. You can let them control you, or you can control them. But they do shape you.
It’s up to you how you react. When you choose to acknowledge the pain and rise above it, you start to reclaim your power.
I’m all about reclaiming your power. It also happens to be necessary if you want to have authenticity.
It’s hard to know yourself when you’ve become a master at avoiding yourself your entire life. It’s an effective way to cut yourself off from your pain, but it’s also how you end up spending your entire life not really living. Because when you numb your pain, you numb your passions, too.
The second step to authenticity is loving yourself.
This is the hard part. Getting kicked around by life is easy. But learning how to love yourself through it requires real work, which is why most people will never even try.
But you can’t have authenticity without self-love. And not having self-love means you’re missing out on the easiest, strongest, and most consistent source of radiant JOY in our lives. When you love yourself, everything gets brighter. It can take patience and time to get there, if you’ve spent a lifetime devoted to the habit of beating yourself up (I’m raising my hand over here. Anyone else?). But it’s worth it.
It is, perhaps, the most essential purpose of our entire lives.
Everything stems from self-love. Authenticity requires the bravery to stay true to yourself despite pressure from others to change or fit a certain mold. And there’s no way you’re staying on Team You if you hate yourself. Believe me, I get it, I know how impossible it can feel to love yourself sometimes. I know what it is to feel hate and disgust and shame about myself, because I lived that way almost my entire life, up until recently.
From personal experience, let me tell you: I can FEEL my whole vibration raise and lighten when I’m loving myself. In less woo-woo terms, I feel so much happier, more optimistic, and charismatic. I’m more open and more positive because I’m on Team ME and I’m so hyped I’m bringing a live DJ and glow wands with me everywhere in my mind cheering me on. It’s much, much better than the despair that comes with self-loathing, obviously.
How do you start with self-love? Make the choice to be as kind to yourself as you would your own child (or dog, if I’m being honest lol). That’s right. Pretend you’re your own parent. Start to consider how to best take care of yourself: your mental and physical health and safety and happiness. Nourish yourself in small ways. Habits take time to build, and you need to retrain your brain to connect to the positive pathways as a default instead of your old negative ones (really).
And finally, step three: In order to live authentically, you must be brave enough to be in alignment with your values in all areas of your life.
So now that you’ve done the inner work of falling in love with yourself (because, btw, you’re awesome), it’s time to get serious with this actionable step. Once you define your values by getting to know yourself, and then realize you and your values are worth defending, you’ve got to practice, on a moment-to-moment basis, honoring your commitment to authenticity. Start to ask yourself if you’re showing up authentically at work, in your relationships, and with yourself. When you take an Instagram Story video ask this before you post: Does this align with my values? Does it represent me showing up for myself with total self-love? Does this serve my mission to show up authentically?
Authenticity also means aligning your words with your actions. Do as you say, say as you do. Do your words represent your authentic self? Do your actions?
Being authentic, being true to yourself, is an incredibly vulnerable act.
This is why we work so hard to avoid it—we fear that others won’t accept our true selves. So we hustle to fit in, to be like everyone else, in an attempt to belong, but all we’re doing is fueling disconnection. It’s important to love yourself enough to not need other’s approval or competition and do you.
Authenticity is going to look different for everyone, because we’re all different, but it’s really common for us to want to belong to a group, so we start to adopt the habits and beliefs of a group (which could be as small as a friendship or as large as a country). It takes courage to resist the pull of the herd and stay on your own path.
Not everyone will like you, whether you try to fit in or not. So why not say screw it (and them) and beat to the tune of your own drum?
I’m a big fan of Brené Brown‘s works—she’s a self-help author and shame researcher who writes about vulnerability, and I highly recommend all of her books if you want to dive deeper into that topic. I’m currently re-reading her latest book, Dare to Lead, on Audible, and it’s a great resource for explaining how to bring this concept into the workplace.
Ready to join me in the Authenticity Army?
I feel the need to start by reminding you, then, that I deeply believe every word I write on this blog and on my Instagram page but damn I’m not perfect. Somedays I oversleep and can’t have my lemon water. I’m still heartbroken over my divorce and often struggle to feel hopeful. Sometimes I revert to my old ways and am impatient, mean, or act from a place of Ego or fear. I’m committed to being more authentic in my day to day interactions, too. For me, that’s sometimes harder. But I can’t think of a more important mission. The more of us that lead the way by staying true to ourselves with authenticity, the better to light the path for others to do the same. It’s freedom we’re seeking; from the masks we wear to try earn love and
I’m human, flaws and all—but I like being here with you on this journey, getting to know and love and better ourselves. Now get out there and let your light shine.
